Tuesday 23 October 2012

Search and You may not find it

I have lived a life of isolation for a while, when a loved one goes away, the thoughts are rapid and then slow and then the mind just doesn't give up.  Did I just see you the other day, talking to this other guy and wondering whether you feel the same with him.  I know I have cried the tears, my heart is lonely today, I just know you are right for me, this thought though doesn't go away that I have lost you.  There are different varieties of people that I meet today, there are the gregarious lot, pretty similar to what I am and then there are the introverts, there are also the folks who haven't really made up their minds.  To my mind there are only one kinds of people for me, the introverts who run this world.

Friend of mine, a translator, a Spanish Translator actually did just that, walked out of a relation,  pushed her parents who loved her so much away and walked into a new life in Spain.  A year or so in Spain and she came back sparkling new.  I feel the same today, this feel of having lived a multitude of lifetimes has gone away.  Its almost I have been washed clean by the pain in my heart and the tears in my eyes.  Revolutionary, this thought that I may have actually converted from a soldier to a lover.  But it does occur to me, I cry the tears that no one has.

I am a person today who doesn't seek to be understood, as a matter of fact, I think very few people understand me today.  There has to be reason for a conversation and I talk and talk to people who think they understand me and then come up with the most illogical of questions, that lends me to believe that the whole topic may have been in vain.  Then the questions start to come, and I have a hard time avoiding them being as indirect that I am today, life may just pass me by.  But I am content in the person I am, I think I am finally coming of age, and even if that is not true, what the heck, we tried didn't we and then failed.
No one was with you, no one will be with you.


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